Sunday, October 10, 2010

True Blood Is Trying To Drive Me Crazy

How many blood orgies are we going to sit through before America says "Enough?"

Warning: This post is sexually graphic. This warning may have come a little late.

For your information, True Blood is an HBO series based on the supernatural/mystery/romance Sookie Stackhouse novels by Charlaine Harris. It follows the life of a telepathic waitress that is courted by vampires, werewolves, and shape shifters. Its on HBO, so theirs a lot of violence and a lot of sex.
A Lot of Violence.
A Lot of Sex.

It's just like Twilight, but watchable because it features tits. (a.k.a. "lovely lady lumps")

Quick Note to HBO: I understand, Sam Trammell has a great ass. Some would even call it beautiful. That doesn't mean I want to see every freaking week.

I am by no means a prude. I've been a teenage boy, so I've spent many long hours perusing the subject of sexual relations, but even I understand that there should be limitations. It's not a great idea to have sex while one of the participants is gravely injured. Go to the hospital, you idiot! You can fuck later.

Don't get me started on that Bill and Lorena mess of a relationship. In a flashback, they murder a couple and have sex on top of their dead bodies. They're immoral monsters so they obviously don't care about treating the dead with respect, but that has got to be unsanitary. During another eye-burning experience Bill is screwing Lorena while simultaneously trying to snap her neck. WTFWTFWTF! I'm not very religious, but wanted to confess after seeing that. I feel like that one image is enough to keep my out of the heaven I barely believe in. Am I supposed to find this erotic? For me, a broken neck is a huge wood killer.

These people have sex while covered in blood! At one point, immediately after being attack by a bunch werewolves Sookie and Bill just get it on. While the dead werewolves are still in the house! Jigga-whaaa? I can't have sex if my dog is in the room. (He has judging eyes.) The idea of my roommates in the common room hearing certain activities is terrifying. (They have judging ears.) But apparently, Sookie isn't bothered by the lifeless form of man slumped next to her while vampires drill her. (Actually, vampires are undead, so she probably go over that her "corpse" thing a while ago.)

While watching the third season finale I actually began to question my own sanity. Honestly, I had to pause it, get a glass of water, and think about my life. What was I doing here? I have papers to write, books to read, and innocent cartoons I could be watching, but I'm here watching what is essentially monster torture porn. Does monster torture porn even exist? Probably, the internet is gross.

Also, someone please tell me: Am I supposed to like Bill Compton? I have no idea. I've gone from loving him, to hating him, to being bored by him, and even pitying him. Now, I'm just a big ball of fighting emotions, like when you stick a bunch of Geodudes in a dark cave together.

As for Sookie, I just want her to fuck Alcide and get on with her life. At least he can walk in the day light and doesn't have a blood lust (except for once a month). I've read the books and even before the show, I preferred Alcide to both Bill and Eric. Then I found out Joe Manganiello was playing him. I already had a crush on him from his few appearances on How I Met Your Mother as Marshall's oddly affectionate friend. That man is all kinds of gorgeous.

Who am I kidding? Of course, I will continue to watch this despicable show, because I am a weak man. I could say I only watch for the violence, but it would be a lie. Sure I enjoy when a staked vampires explodes into bloody pudding (that's probably where the English get it) or watching batshitcrazy!Bill rip people in half, but erotic portions if the show have a draw.

Every week it's all, "I'm done with this crap. No more!"

Then I see Alcide's abs. "Hmph, alright, one more week."


  1. HBO is just socially sanctioned porn.

  2. RJ. RJ RJ RJ.



    Seriously, so many moments of fabulous hilarity here. :D

  3. I love TRUE BLOOD. Can't wait until next summer!

    It's friggin' torture :(