Sunday, October 10, 2010

True Blood Is Trying To Drive Me Crazy

How many blood orgies are we going to sit through before America says "Enough?"

Warning: This post is sexually graphic. This warning may have come a little late.

For your information, True Blood is an HBO series based on the supernatural/mystery/romance Sookie Stackhouse novels by Charlaine Harris. It follows the life of a telepathic waitress that is courted by vampires, werewolves, and shape shifters. Its on HBO, so theirs a lot of violence and a lot of sex.
A Lot of Violence.
A Lot of Sex.

It's just like Twilight, but watchable because it features tits. (a.k.a. "lovely lady lumps")

Quick Note to HBO: I understand, Sam Trammell has a great ass. Some would even call it beautiful. That doesn't mean I want to see every freaking week.

I am by no means a prude. I've been a teenage boy, so I've spent many long hours perusing the subject of sexual relations, but even I understand that there should be limitations. It's not a great idea to have sex while one of the participants is gravely injured. Go to the hospital, you idiot! You can fuck later.

Don't get me started on that Bill and Lorena mess of a relationship. In a flashback, they murder a couple and have sex on top of their dead bodies. They're immoral monsters so they obviously don't care about treating the dead with respect, but that has got to be unsanitary. During another eye-burning experience Bill is screwing Lorena while simultaneously trying to snap her neck. WTFWTFWTF! I'm not very religious, but wanted to confess after seeing that. I feel like that one image is enough to keep my out of the heaven I barely believe in. Am I supposed to find this erotic? For me, a broken neck is a huge wood killer.

These people have sex while covered in blood! At one point, immediately after being attack by a bunch werewolves Sookie and Bill just get it on. While the dead werewolves are still in the house! Jigga-whaaa? I can't have sex if my dog is in the room. (He has judging eyes.) The idea of my roommates in the common room hearing certain activities is terrifying. (They have judging ears.) But apparently, Sookie isn't bothered by the lifeless form of man slumped next to her while vampires drill her. (Actually, vampires are undead, so she probably go over that her "corpse" thing a while ago.)

While watching the third season finale I actually began to question my own sanity. Honestly, I had to pause it, get a glass of water, and think about my life. What was I doing here? I have papers to write, books to read, and innocent cartoons I could be watching, but I'm here watching what is essentially monster torture porn. Does monster torture porn even exist? Probably, the internet is gross.

Also, someone please tell me: Am I supposed to like Bill Compton? I have no idea. I've gone from loving him, to hating him, to being bored by him, and even pitying him. Now, I'm just a big ball of fighting emotions, like when you stick a bunch of Geodudes in a dark cave together.

As for Sookie, I just want her to fuck Alcide and get on with her life. At least he can walk in the day light and doesn't have a blood lust (except for once a month). I've read the books and even before the show, I preferred Alcide to both Bill and Eric. Then I found out Joe Manganiello was playing him. I already had a crush on him from his few appearances on How I Met Your Mother as Marshall's oddly affectionate friend. That man is all kinds of gorgeous.

Who am I kidding? Of course, I will continue to watch this despicable show, because I am a weak man. I could say I only watch for the violence, but it would be a lie. Sure I enjoy when a staked vampires explodes into bloody pudding (that's probably where the English get it) or watching batshitcrazy!Bill rip people in half, but erotic portions if the show have a draw.

Every week it's all, "I'm done with this crap. No more!"

Then I see Alcide's abs. "Hmph, alright, one more week."

Thursday, September 16, 2010

If It Wasn't For Those Meddling Lawbreakers

I just realized something, Scooby and the gang commit a lot of Breaking and Entering. Think about it. They hear about some haunted mansion or farm, and they just drive up in the Mystery Machine and start poking around, usually without any permission.

How do they never get arrested?

They are breaking the law! Just because old man Jenkins is creepy doesn't mean he lacks protections under property and privacy laws. You would think Velma, the smart one, would realize this.

I really think the local law enforcement has seriously dropped the ball.

Dispatch: Four innocent-looking teens and and an adorable doggy were seen hanging out around Bob Jenkins' property in a colorful van.
Cop: I'm sure its nothing. Just kids having fun.

Now you know if Mystery Inc. were a group of Black kids this situation would go down quite differently.

Dispatch: A group of mysterious adolescent negros and a dog of intimidating size have been witnessed lurking around Bob Jenkins' home. (It's the sixties, they don't hide their prejudices.)
Cop: I'm on my way! Send back up, they're probably armed.

You know its true.

These kids act as if they're officers of the law, interrogating people and tailing suspects. Actually, they are unlicensed, underage private detectives at best. They are breaking so many laws! Cops can do these things because they have warrants and training. Actually, considering everything the gang has gone though, they could probably become police officers very easily if they tried.

Wait . . . idea forming.

Scooby-Doo and the Police Academy
Synopsis: Mystery Inc. solves mysteries. It's what they're best at. But Fred, Daphne, Velma, Shaggy, and Scooby-Doo have come to a realization. They have been aspiring private detectives all their lives, but working outside of the law doesn't always work for them. That's why Scooby and the gang are joining the police force! In this newest installment of Mystery Inc.'s adventures, the kids enroll in the Coolsville Police Academy. Even Scooby is getting in on it, training to be a contraband sniffing dog*.The academy's newest recruits run into some trouble when they meet their crazy drill captain (voiced by Bruce Campbell), a kind but clumsy fellow recruit (voiced by Felicia Day), a egotistical recruit that is out to help only himself (voiced by Zachary Levi), and a hilariously oblivious town sheriff (voiced by Stephen Colbert). All of this is the least of the gang's concerns when the ghost of a former police chief starts destroying equipment and kidnapping recruits. Can Mystery Inc. solve the this paranormal procedural or will Coolsville be left without a police force.

(*Actually, Scooby already had this job in Scooby-Doo on Zombie Island, which I can say without any irony is one of my favorite movies of all time. It makes sense, because having Scooby work as a drug and bomb sniffing dog might be a little adult for the kids. But I would love to see Shaggy and Scooby busting up meth labs. As a contraband sniffing dog, he just finds smuggled cheese and meats. Did you know its like super illegal to bring foreign cheese into the country? You need special permission from the government to move that stuff, like a Cheese Transportation Permit. I wonder if there is a test.)

That movie is going to be awesome. Writing a Scooby-Doo movie/episode is on that list of things that probably won't happen, but if they did I wouldn't need much more out of life. I could just chill and remember about when I wrote a Scooby-Doo movie. Also on this list is create a Hellcat/Deadpool miniseries and go to Disney World with Matt Smith (11th Doctor).

Alright, back to out lovable criminal detectives. Sure, I can gripe all day long about the gang breaking the rules, but sometimes you gotta do what you gotta do. Just like in those Bruce Willis "cop without a badge" films. Mystery Inc. always gets results. They solve the mystery AND catch the criminal. All while the actual police force is at a sock hop or whatever it is that useless people do.

Coolsville should just make those kids honorary police chiefs. Drop these kids into an episode of Law & Order and they're have that mess cleared up in 30 minutes, and still have time for a spontaneous dance party.

Thursday, September 9, 2010

U-S-A! U-S-A! U-S-A!

A Story of Patriotism

I was reading Harry Potter and the Half-Blood Prince while listening to my iPod on shuffle. The next song to play was "America, F*ck Yeah!" So, obviously, I immediately threw down my copy of Harry Potter, shouted, "I don't need you dirty British witchcraft!" and stared re-reading my copy of I Am America, And So Can You by Stephen T. Colbert.

As President Kennedy would say, "That's what America is all about, kicking ass and insulting Europeans."

Patriotic Pwnage.

He's so happy because he's American, not English and lame, like that Potter punk.

Editor's Note: I love British people. I watch Doctor Who all the time. I'm a big fan of Europeans in general. I totally want to sleep with a Spaniard at some point in my life.

Monday, September 6, 2010

Dear Joss Whedon . . .

(Warning: This post has MAJOR spoilers for Buffy the Vampire Slayer, Angel, Dollhouse, and probably Cabin in the Woods.)

Dear Joss Whedon,

Please, stop killing Amy Acker.
Seriously. Stop it.
I understand that you have a thing for killing lovable and wonderful characters that are fan favorites, but why is Acker always the target of you fucked fetish?

She is an amazing actress, who when dropped into a death scene can break the audience's heart into a million billion pieces, but that doesn't mean I should be forced to watch her die again and again.

This is a re-enactment of what being a fan of your shows is like.
Joss: Hey R.J., how's it going?
Me: Alright, kinda bored. Nothing is on TV.
Joss: Well I have something to cheer you up!
Me: Oh goodie!
Joss: Here's a Kitten! I've named her Amy.
Me: She's beautiful! I love her. Thank you so much.
Joss: It was nothing. Have fun!
*A few years later*
Joss: Hi R.J.
Me: Oh, hi Joss, how are-
Joss: I don't have time for pleasantries.
Me: OK.
Joss: I've come for the cat.
Me: You want to see Amy?
Joss: No. I've come to take Amy away from you forever.
Me: No! Why do you want her?
Joss: Its all in the name of literary symmetry.
Me: Fuck your literary symmetry! You just want to make people cry.
Joss: Its a perk.

I'm not saying that you are an evil mastermind that obtains sustenance from the anguish of fanboys and fangirls worldwide. But . . .

Every single time I think it will be different, then you rip out my heart and feed it to a sharktopus. Between you and Cormac McCarthy, I'll never smile again.

I know that the beautiful Ms. Acker is in your new horror (turned upside-down, inside-out) movie. Given you previous tendencies, I assume she meets a gruesome and terrible death that will leave me in tears. 'Cause that's your thing. If she is destroyed in some disturbing way, I will do my best to make sure my depressing sobs don't interfere with the rest of the audience's viewing experience, but I make no promises.

After Cabin in the Woods is released, you are not allowed to kill Amy Acker anymore. If you work with that beautiful, talented, goddess of an actress again, don't even think about killing her. If you do, I'll be forced to hire a ninja death squad to take you out. I really don't want to do that, because 1) ninjas are dicks and 2) they are crazy expensive. (Like graduate school textbooks expensive.)

Finally, Mr. Whedon, I'd like to say that I really do love you and your work. You are brilliant man, who will one day be in some type of Hall of Fame for Badass Writers. Does that exist? Well it should. I'm gonna write a letter to the President about this. There are so many writers that deserve recognition. Douglas Adams, Sarah Vowell, J,J, Abrams, and Neil Gaiman just to name a few.

Back on topic. You rock Whedon. You rock my socks like German clocks. I want you to remember these simple words: Keep Being Awesome, Stop Killing Amy.
Learn it, love it, live it.

Now, I'm gonna go watch the 6th season of Buffy, 'cause I'm in that kind of mood.

Always your devoted fan (unless you kill Amy again), R.J. Washington

P.S. Why did you have to kill Penny? Why? I mean, I know its irony, Billy being responsible for the death of the only person he really wanted to keep safe, but WHY? Why do have to be such a damn good writer? Can't you just phone it in and give us a Disney ending every once in a while? Even Doctor Who has season finales where everyone lives. Doctor Who! They treat human life like wizards treat house elves. Like E!, MTV & VH1 reality programming treat positive female roles on television. Like Deadpool treats gun control laws! That's enough similes, I assume you get my point.

Thursday, September 2, 2010

Political Houses

I just realized that all the political parties can be sorted into Hogwarts houses. Republicans are total Slytherins. They hate change and want everyone else to be just like them. Democrats are Hufflepuff, because they're nice but they just sit around doing jack squat. Libertarians are Ravenclaw, spending all their time educating themselves and pretty much ignoring the world. While the environmentalist/Green Peace loud mouths are Gryffindor. Running around and yelling, "We have to save the world! Everything is in danger! Can't you see!? Can't You see!?"

All images created by Wicked_Visions.

Tuesday, August 17, 2010

Hegla Hufflepuff Is Better Than You

So, I've been re-reading the Harry Potter series with some friends of mine. ('Cause we're cool like that.) Which made me think about what house I would join. Obviously, you don't get a choice and the Sorting Hat places you, but I was just wondering where I would end up. I guess the hat uses some crazy magic that reads you mind and soul then just randomly decides how to should spend your entire education. That's some serious anxiety inducing stuff.

Sitting on some crappy stool and letting a tattered piece of ancient wizard fashion tell you to join a group of self-endangering adrenaline junkies (Gryffindor), pretentious bookworms (Ravenclaw), friendly but otherwise useless nobodies (Hufflepuff), or conniving ruthless bastards that almost always turn evil (Slytherin. Seriously, Salazar? A house just for the assholes?).

As I so subtly hinted at, each house has a defining character one must have in order to join it. Godric Gryffindor valued bravery and a yearning for adventure in his students. Which is probably why so many of them die. Salazar Slytherin only want the most determined and cunning kids. You also had to be a pure-blood witch or wizard. (Like, if Hitler were a wizard. *shivers*) Rowena Ravenclaw demanded her pupils be studious and always willing to learn more about anything. Yep, its the official house of nerds. Good ol' Helga Hufflepuff said, "I'll take the rest." That gal let anybody in, because to her building friendships and loyalty among the students was an all time importance.

This is why Helga is my home girl and I am a total Hufflepuff. While I do enjoy an exciting adventure, feel I can be very determined at times, and love a good book; I know friendship and loyalty are what's most important to me. I mean, the Gryffindors and Slytherins are going to need someone to bail them out of jail after the mess up . . . again. While the Ravenclaws spend some much time in the library, they miss all the parties and would never get laid if not for some Puffy intervention. There is no better wing man than a Puff! I'm not trying to bash any other houses, some of my best friends are Ravenclaws. I'm just trying to explain why I proudly wear the yellow and black.

Puff Pride!

If I am going to school in a freaking haunted castle for seven years, I am going to be careful about the types of people I hang out with. Look at the Gryffindors, they can't go a semester without almost dying. Instead of sneaking out to the FORBIDDEN Forest after dark or getting trapped in a crazy dungeon/maze, I'll be chillin' in the Hufflepuff common room. Also, I'm sure their common room is the coziest. Probably a bunch of bean bag chairs and comfy quilts. In Ravenclaw's common room, there is complete silence so people can study. You gotta walk on egg shells just to get to you damn class. Plus, you have to answer a riddle just to get to your own bed. What if I just back from Hogsmeade and I've had a few firewhiskeys? You know that in Hufflepuff, they're dancing to S Club 7 getting their freak on! And the password is always something fun like "Whomping Willow", "Gillyweed", or "Snape is a tool." As for Slytherin, well they just spend their time plotting ways to screw everyone else over. What kind of existence is that? (Sarah Palin would make a great Slytherin.) I bet, Puff is the only house that has Scooby-Doo and Fairly OddParents marathons.

Can't you see the Hufflepuff is the place to be. You lions, eagles, and snakes may defend your houses, but you will fail. After we finish fighting, the Hufflepuffs are hosting an ice cream sundae party. That's just how we roll.

Image created by Wicked_Visions.