Monday, September 6, 2010

Dear Joss Whedon . . .

(Warning: This post has MAJOR spoilers for Buffy the Vampire Slayer, Angel, Dollhouse, and probably Cabin in the Woods.)

Dear Joss Whedon,

Please, stop killing Amy Acker.
Seriously. Stop it.
I understand that you have a thing for killing lovable and wonderful characters that are fan favorites, but why is Acker always the target of you fucked fetish?

She is an amazing actress, who when dropped into a death scene can break the audience's heart into a million billion pieces, but that doesn't mean I should be forced to watch her die again and again.

This is a re-enactment of what being a fan of your shows is like.
Joss: Hey R.J., how's it going?
Me: Alright, kinda bored. Nothing is on TV.
Joss: Well I have something to cheer you up!
Me: Oh goodie!
Joss: Here's a Kitten! I've named her Amy.
Me: She's beautiful! I love her. Thank you so much.
Joss: It was nothing. Have fun!
*A few years later*
Joss: Hi R.J.
Me: Oh, hi Joss, how are-
Joss: I don't have time for pleasantries.
Me: OK.
Joss: I've come for the cat.
Me: You want to see Amy?
Joss: No. I've come to take Amy away from you forever.
Me: No! Why do you want her?
Joss: Its all in the name of literary symmetry.
Me: Fuck your literary symmetry! You just want to make people cry.
Joss: Its a perk.

I'm not saying that you are an evil mastermind that obtains sustenance from the anguish of fanboys and fangirls worldwide. But . . .

Every single time I think it will be different, then you rip out my heart and feed it to a sharktopus. Between you and Cormac McCarthy, I'll never smile again.

I know that the beautiful Ms. Acker is in your new horror (turned upside-down, inside-out) movie. Given you previous tendencies, I assume she meets a gruesome and terrible death that will leave me in tears. 'Cause that's your thing. If she is destroyed in some disturbing way, I will do my best to make sure my depressing sobs don't interfere with the rest of the audience's viewing experience, but I make no promises.

After Cabin in the Woods is released, you are not allowed to kill Amy Acker anymore. If you work with that beautiful, talented, goddess of an actress again, don't even think about killing her. If you do, I'll be forced to hire a ninja death squad to take you out. I really don't want to do that, because 1) ninjas are dicks and 2) they are crazy expensive. (Like graduate school textbooks expensive.)

Finally, Mr. Whedon, I'd like to say that I really do love you and your work. You are brilliant man, who will one day be in some type of Hall of Fame for Badass Writers. Does that exist? Well it should. I'm gonna write a letter to the President about this. There are so many writers that deserve recognition. Douglas Adams, Sarah Vowell, J,J, Abrams, and Neil Gaiman just to name a few.

Back on topic. You rock Whedon. You rock my socks like German clocks. I want you to remember these simple words: Keep Being Awesome, Stop Killing Amy.
Learn it, love it, live it.

Now, I'm gonna go watch the 6th season of Buffy, 'cause I'm in that kind of mood.

Always your devoted fan (unless you kill Amy again), R.J. Washington

P.S. Why did you have to kill Penny? Why? I mean, I know its irony, Billy being responsible for the death of the only person he really wanted to keep safe, but WHY? Why do have to be such a damn good writer? Can't you just phone it in and give us a Disney ending every once in a while? Even Doctor Who has season finales where everyone lives. Doctor Who! They treat human life like wizards treat house elves. Like E!, MTV & VH1 reality programming treat positive female roles on television. Like Deadpool treats gun control laws! That's enough similes, I assume you get my point.





  2. "Between you and Cormac McCarthy, I'll never smile again."

    I don't think truer words were ever spoken.

    And Amy is totally a kitten.